Bing

Bing will never understand, how lucky she felt. He caught her full attention, he’s a perfect distraction. He was her sign to the right direction.

Bing will know later she was lost. Lost in her fantasy. Played a little bit too long in her pain. Many said she’s a mashochist for being there all the time. Being in that situation.

Bing has never been in that kind of situation. Bing was a thinker. Bing was a logic creature. On the other hand she was a total dreamer. She had no brain. She followed her so-called-heart-desire.

Bing, maybe, Bing could save her. She didn’t need to be understood. She just needed to walk away from her stressor for this last five months. Five months that she tried to delete from her memory..

Bing was so young but yet so mature. She couldn’t stop smiling when he was around. When he wasn’t, She missed him too much. Scary. She knew she had to manage her emotion.

Bing had history. She knew everyone had history. She had one. She had many. But she refused to know Bing’s. She learned her lesson to put the history behind in order to move forward.

Bing, oh Bing. She hoped you’d understand. That her pain was still there. She’s still in a recovery process. Can’t you see how she ate everything in. How she cried in silent. How she tried to forgive.

Bing was an angel. She was unprepared. It was such a drastic changing. She was amazed of how gentle Bing’s heart. How simple. How honest. How peaceful.. perfect soul inside

Bing was a clown. Bing was a funny dude. Bing was a brilliant master mind. Bing was a tall yet cute duck in her eyes. Bing was perfect for her. But she knew, she’s not. Does she deserve him?

Bing said he loves her. She was surprised. She was speechless. But you couldnt love two people at once, right? So she asked God to help her decide. In God she trusted her heart.

Bing showed pain in his eyes, and it crashed her to her very soul. How could she did that to him? Bing gave her some times to manage her unfinished businesss.

Bing did listen. Bing did watch. Bing did think. Bing did still there. She thanked God. Cause she believed that Bing will do nothing to put her in harm situation. Bing was her last chance to trust.

Bing was different. Pls God oh pls, make this time worthed. Let her faith and her wanting soul be fullfiled. She’s been too tired of playing around. She wanted to settling.

Bing had his dream. This big dream that she wanted so much to support. But she was afraid, can she keep up with him? She worried about tomorrow. She was afraid of 2012. She was afraid of distance.

Bing, if she wanted to change into a better person, you’ll be the reason. So this was she’s been missing all the time. Being wanted, being take care of, being Bing’s.
Bing, thank you. She who once was a flightless bird. Now can fly into the highest mountain. 



ps: happy a month, Bing!
mind my grammatical error, 563-toefl-boy.

Little Girl Diary

Dear diary,

I did kiss him good bye.
So I give myself a reward. A reward for saving my own butt and face.

“Well done, girl.” I said to me. I know, cause this is for the best. Letting go my darkest secret. I have this huge thing inside of me that I cannot control some time, err most of the time I guess. This animal inside, need to be tamed.

I did once.
I did it again. Just now.

Maybe no one understand my stupid mumbling. It just, you know. Me easily get charmed by the worst of all. Am not proud of it. The more I know I have to run as soon as possible from the critical one.. there I am, sittin like a good puppies. With my big eyes, can’t stop staring on my object of affection.

I’m a lover, you know. And proud of it.

I want to shout to the world. I want to tell him that I want him. Damn, I know I want him. I just can’t tell him.
Wish i can wishper to him that we can be together. And we’ll be all rite. Just let me be with you and I will treat you right.

But.. like I told ya, I just sat there. Listened to him. I didn’t understand every single word he told me. I just didn’t get it. So I just sat and listened.. carried away by euphoria inside. But still have no idea of what he’s been thinking. He’s been saying. He’s been.. does he even care of me?

I tried to ask. But it seems like he didn’t get it. He didn’t understand all the signal that I sent. It's sad :(



Simply just because... he barks. I don’t.

Regards,
kitten

once upon a time

I wrote this.. once upon a time

This is sad.
I cannot shout to the world.
I cannot speak to myself.
I cannot whisper to the wind.
I can’t. I just can’t.
This is happiness. I know for sure. I’m happy. I AM HAPPY. H-A-P-P-Y.
But I’m afraid. I AM AFRAID. A-F-R-A-I-D. Cause I know nothing last forever.
Meaning: I am Me.
Oh well.. I want to make a statement. I want to make a move and make my feelings known.
But something always hold me back.

This is wrong.
My head is spinning.
My heart beats faster.
My hands get cold.
Oh my Oh my.. What’s going on?
This is RIGHT. Never knew I can feel this way: I FEEL RIGHT. R-I-G-H-T.
But I feel scared. Why do I FEEL SCARED? S-C-A-R-E-D to feel that way.
Meaning: I feel me.
I must admit, this is killing me, having this kind of situation. It came over me in a rush.
It made me running faster and faster. The last thing I need is an accident.

This is old.
I am old.
I feel old
I = old
Damn. Hahahaha.
This is young. I AM YOUNG. Y-O-U-N-G but not young enough.
But I did this once. I did hurt once. I FREAK OUT. I’m not on drugs but I F-R-E-A-K O-U-T.
Meaning: I’m just me.
I know that past should stay in the past. But the past really bothers my present.
I choose to enjoy my present, hoping that it won’t become a past that bothers my future.



yeah, whatever..

A Warning and Moreover

It’s funny how someone can be a really different person when they’re disappointed and angry. I found this note I wrote to remind me not to make the same mistake for the third times. Hahaha.

I remember I was relieved after I wrote this warning. Writing is such a reliever. :)

A WARNING

Jerk! You are a jerk!

How could you do that to me? I can still feel my last pain. A pain caused by another jerk; the previous jerk. I didn’t see it coming. Never thought you’ll bring another pain, jerk. Never thought you’re just another jerk, happen to my life.

Why oh why should I fall for a jerk?

Am I a jerk magnet or what?

I want my revenge. Yet I am not good at revenge or harm. That’s why it’s so easy to scratch me and give me some pain. Right, jerks?

How many jerk should I encounter before the right one (not-so-jerk) finds me?

Is it wrong? That I tend to like the jerk one instead of the right one? It’s just me or I’m just exactly like most girls in this full-of-jerk world?

Well in that case my friend please be careful. I’m here to remind you. Those jerks belong in hell. Don’t let them drag you to their hell-o. Even though, they are coming in super good looking Adonis face and sexy body package; you should say no! I know, it’s hard to resist. But it’s for your own good. They are self-centered and only bring pain. Don’t get fooled by their smile. THE Smile, it’s they’re dead recipe. They all know that they have charming smile. Trust me, they know. They’re not puppies. Stop treats them like a cute little dog, because they are not.

By: angry me

A warning has been declared. Just wait and see whether it is working or not.

MOREOVER

Okay, an angry warning is one thing. But moreover, something tickle me.

Did it ever cross your mind that the charm is an enigmatic thing? You must’ve heard about prince charming in so many Disney fairy tales, those self-help books /self-improvement blog talking about how to be charming, or even try google-terjemahan to see that there are so many translation of charm.

Nomina:

1. pesona
2. daya tarik
3. jimat
4. kecantikan
5. keelokan
6. daya penarik
7. guna-guna
8. daya pemikat
9. keluwesan
10. anting-anting
11. sihir
12. aji

Verba:

1. mempesona
2. menawan
3. menawan hati
4. mempesonakan
5. menambat hati
6. memanterai
7. menawari
8. punya kekuatan gaib

Yeah, scary huh? You see even charm translates as jimat, aji, sihir, memantrai, anting-anting (?), or even guna-guna (not gula-gula). Hmm and since it’s not a science project or literature and definitely not a thesis, won’t cause any harm if I peek at the Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charm

I found that there is a psychology perspective about charm, to be exact: Superficial charm. I should really look for the real book for this at the library. But from what I read, the Wikipedia said it is a common manipulative using positive reinforcement. It is entirely insincere. It is an important attribute of psychopathic personalities. It is often used by abusers early on in an abusive relationship to attract and groom the abused person.

Oh feel like I’m going too far and too negative about this charm issue. Okay let’s be clear once again. We’re talking about charm. I believe there’s more literature about this, if you don’t believe in me, you can Google it (yea right). But what I’m trying to say (and trying to think with this little brain of mine), charm is enigmatic. Enigmatic means confusing, full of riddle, and really tempting to solve.

Charm describes the word itself. Just so you know I’m no philosopher, but if you ask me I rather describe my perspective in old way, a parable. Remember how they use bee-flower as a man-woman. That the woman is a flower waiting for the bee/man to come? Well let’s try my perspective.

Do you know Dionaea muscipula Or Venus flytrap? It’s the same thing by the way. The Venus flytrap is a small plant whose structure can be described as a rosette of four to seven leaves, which arise from a short subterranean stem that is actually a bulb-like object. Each stem reaches a maximum size of about three to ten centimeters, depending on the time of year; longer leaves with robust traps are usually formed after flowering. Flytraps that have more than 7 leaves are colonies formed by rosettes that have divided beneath the ground.

Tired of reading the explanation of Venus flytrap? That’s okay, I’ll make it short. It is a plant that eat fly.

(Thanks for the Botanical Society of America for making me inspired)

What does a plant has anything to do with charm?

Yes that’s exactly a good point. You see, first of all this mysterious plant has a mechanism of trapping, just like “charm”. So it is stated charm is some kind of trap. Wait; don’t think in a bad way. Not finish, guys.

Second, sorry to say. In this point, I must say that the charm one just like a Venus flytrap doesn’t have to be a bee that goes here and there. On contrary, they have a very dangerous technique, the invitation. They just stay (yes! That’s the charm!) And wait for the fly (prey) to come. Hah! Clever trick!

Third, both charm and Venus flytrap are dangerous for the prey. For the prey only. The trapping mechanism is so specialized that it can distinguish between living prey and non-prey stimuli such as falling raindrops. I can’t believe I say this, but the trap only work if you worth to catch and not just a plain falling raindrops (I can’t categorize it as a good thing or not).

Okay. I think that’s enough similarity between the charm and Venus flytrap. But what’s the point of making an argument without giving any suggestion, right?

The most important thing for us is to recognize this charm. Do you know the rule to solve a problem? You must clear that there is a problem. So if you find certain person/things/ is charming and suddenly it becomes dangerous because you get some symptoms, yes there is a problem. I’m not talking about being in love, it’s totally different cause love won’t make you hurt or in pain. But charm might bring pain.

So if the charm brings you a pain. I give you a trick to fight back their strategy.

If an insect is too large it will stick out of the trap. This allows bacteria and molds on the insect to thrive. Eventually the trap turns black, rots and falls off.

So the answer is be too large! The Venus flytrap can’t eat a too large prey, neither the charm. You have to think that you worth more than the charm. Hah! Get yourself loaded, not with food but with confident to tackle the charm. No harm. Just be a too large prey that the charm/ Venus flytrap cannot handle. So they will give up, turns black, rots and falls off!

By: not-so-angry-me

This complicated way of thinking is coming from a girl who supposes to be finishing her thesis right now. It’s totally okay if you are not agree or want to give me some feedback. (Anger or harm is not welcome)

Midnight Skype

1^st meets 2^nd. It is just a simple sharing in midnight Skype conversation.

(Web camera: on)

(1^st) “Have you ever fall for the wrong person? Once or twice? In my case I always fall for the wrong person. I tend to choose the wrong object of affection. Somehow I good at it. Good at wrong. This whole mess starts when I was younger, a silly teenager. My very first mistake, an unfinished business, even until now. I was in a relationship with my first boyfriend in college, and I fall for my best friend. Twisted. Never saw that coming. It happened when my boyfriend at that time was away to Europe for vacation. I started hang out with this guy I used to call a friend, and then become my best bud. Until, he hold my hand after we went to a movie. Shewtttt. I feel strange, because I was having butterfly in my belly because my best bud held my hand. I must admit, I was strangely happy, very happy. Wait; was it cheating or an affair? I didn’t know. I was too happy back then. What a silly girl I was. Hmm anyway, turned out it ruined our friendship and my relationship. Hahaha. What a lesson!”

(2^nd)”Hahahaha, you get yourself right. A silly girl! Hmm, let me think. Ah, I get this experience. Just like you, a wild college time. I fall for this hot-and-cold-kind of guy. He was a blast from the past. I never consider him as one of my-boyfriend-to-be. Hah! Talking about those checks list: good looking, hot body, romantic, gentleman, same religion, caring, good job, etc. None! He was failed from the beginning. Hahaha. He was rude, selfish, spoilt, yet made me fall. Fall for his honesty and sarcasm. D*mn. He’s different. He’s nothing like all the guys around me. He’s nothing like all my ex-boyfriend. He’s bad. He’s completely a disaster in my peaceful life. And I was glad he came, I guess. He brought this rollercoaster sensation. He’s there and he’s gone. Do you know Katy Perry’s song? Hot and cold. Gosh, I was so kiddo, sang that song over and over again especially at karaoke time with my girls. Well he was my Indian summer in the middle of a winter. But due to religion stuff, I pull myself back. Not healthy and too dangerous. Oh, did I tell you I was engaged back then? Lol.”

(1^st) “You’re crazy! I was a stupid teenager but you were somebody’s fiancée back then. Wild! Roar! Lol. Hmm, and so my fall record continue. I did fall for my teacher. Can you imagine? Not too original, eh? But I fall for him like crazy. You know, at first I saw him as plain boring teacher, until he started teaching. I can see passion in his eyes, and for me it is too sexy too handle. I can feel his warmth from the back of the class. And when he called my name and smile, my heart beats heavily. I was so worry, I thought I could get a heart attack. I always study hard at his class. Never missed one. I was so bright and became totally crazy. I googled him, stalked his facebook, followed his twitter, anything! And I found out he was married to this woman. It hit me. I cried. So emo, euww-ing myself now you know. It took time to get over him. Not that easy, even though we never had a real relationship. It was all me, tango by myself. Do you know what I did? I kept looking at him every time I got a chance. Cause I had this theory, if you stare at someone continuously you’ll find him (him-in my case) not so attractive anymore. So I stare at him, and he was so cute! I was under his spell. Dang! Lol yeah, I still have a lil crush for him until now..”

(2^nd)” Married guy???? Puhleasseeeeee. Back off! It’s an alarm, stay away! But I bet he had this mature guy aura. Lol. I always wanted an older guy you know. They settled and mature, somebody I could trust my life to.. Then he came along just like a song and brightens up my day. YES! A kid. Far from my dream. Hahahaha, not a kid, kid. I mean he was younger than me. He was a junior at my office. I was chosen to train him, well not only him but group of newbie. And he’s one of them. Nothing, trust me, nothing happened at that time. I mean, he was good looking and stuff but he’s like never cross my mind. And my best friend likes him a lot. A lot. So just leave him to her. I didn’t care. Years passed and I just broke up with my boyfriend when I got an email from my cutie junior. The point is that email changed many things. Hahahaha. Mostly good things. It was fun and breathtaking until I knew he was in a relationship with the boss’s daughter. Hey, how can I beat the owner of the company? Whatever. Not so whatever actually, I lost concentration at job, I showed bad performance at work and I was fired. Thanks to that cutie junior. I fall for him.” *sigh.

(1^st) “No waaayyyyyyyyy! You lost your job? What a fall! Guess we girls have to watch our heart from a cute junior!”

(2^nd) “..and a married guy!”

(1^st) “..and a hot-and-cold-guy! Especially when bad news stamp on his forehead.”

(2^nd)”.. and our best bud!”

(1^st and 2^nd) lol

*yawn. Time to go sleep.

(Web camera: off) oh well, this is the last thing I can do to have fun with no internet connection for days. Midnight Skype with yourself, anyone? :)

Mendengar Luka

Pernah mendapati beberapa hiasan di bagian-bagian tubuh? Misalnya hiasan warna biru di paha yang bisa disebut memar atau hiasan garis di lengan bawah yang bisa disebut goresan. Lebam, memar, goresan, sebut saja luka. Luka itu muncul dengan tiba-tiba, tanpa pernah tahu kapan datangnya. Kemudian ketika kita berusaha mengingat darimana datangnya luka itu, hanya lupa yang ada. Kalau bukan lupa, yah hanya bisa berandai-andai. Oh mungkin tidak sengaja menabrak kursi. Oh mungkin terlalu keras berolahraga. Oh mungkin tercakar anjing dan serangkaian “Oh” yang lain.

Luka disertai lupa itu tidak begitu penting. Toh tidak begitu sakit. Toh tidak tahu kapan munculnya. Luka yang disertai ingat baru lah penting. Mengapa penting? Karena luka macam itu memberikan pelajaran. Berbeda dengan luka yang disertai lupa, hanya menjadi hiasan. Sedangkan luka yang disertai ingat tidak memudar begitu saja. Pudar di kulit tapi tak pudar diingatan. Pantas dipantaskan dan pantas untuk diingat.

Luka dengan ingatan itu berbagai macam dan rupa. Kerap kali di dahului dengan tindakan. Entah diri kita menjadi pelaku atau yang dilaku. Misalnya kita melakukan kecerobohan hingga jatuh tersandung, timbulah luka memar di lutut. Hal ini mengingatkan kita untuk lebih berhati-hati ketika berjalan. Walaupun memang ada orang-orang yang memiliki keseimbangan yang kurang baik dan selalu terjatuh, tetap saja luka itu ada di sana.

Lain lagi dengan luka yang memang sengaja kita buat. Luka di tangan misalnya, ketika seseorang mengiris pergelangan tangan untuk mengakhiri hidupnya. Entah karena kecewa terhadap hidup atau sekedar bereksperimen. Tapi luka macam ini jelas sengaja diciptakan di tubuhnya sendiri. Beruntung apabila si pelaku masih punya kesempatan belajar dari luka tersebut. Masih hidup dan masih bisa belajar. Jika tidak, luka tersebut menjadi luka terakhirnya dan di saat itu tidak ada mahkluk hidup yang benar-benar tahu apa dia bisa belajar dari luka itu. Hmm, pengecualian tampaknya.

Luka lain, luka yang diciptakan karena dilaku. Menjadi objek, atau lebih parah korban. Sebut saja, dipukul, ditonjok, ditendang, dicubit, ditampar, digaruk, dilempar, didorong, dijambak, di di di di di dan di di di yang lain. Kekerasan. Luka semacam ini biasanya diiringi dengan kesakitan, kesedihan, kekesalan, kemarahan, kekecewaan, dan ke ke ke yang lain. Tak salah karena ini realita hidup. Benar memang pernah terjadi, masih terjadi dan akan terjadi entah dimana dan bisa dialami oleh siapa saja. Luka macam ini ekspresif, terpapar dan kasat mata. Apa yang bisa dipelajari? Personal dan unik, tergantung dari bagaimana seseorang dilaku. Mungkin karena ia memancing kemarahan orang lain, sehingga ia mendapat luka. Jika karena itu, ia harus belajar untuk berhati-hati menghadapi manusia yang mudah marah/melaku dan sayangnya lebih kuat dari dirinya. Mungkin juga karena ia melukai terlebih dahulu hingga ia dilukai kemudian. Ah, ini terlalu malas untuk dibahas, yang jelas ia harus bisa menahan diri atau paling tidak pilih-pilih orang.

Luka-luka yang dijelaskan di atas semuanya adalah luka yang berteriak. Ada yang teriakannya kencang. Ada yang teriakannya ala kadarnya. Ada yang teriakannya lemah. Tapi luka yang paling perih justru adalah luka yang hening.

Keheningan luka itu mencekam. Entah seseorang sadar ketika mendapatinya atau tidak sadar hingga tiba-tiba mendapati luka tersebut. Luka yang hening itu tidak teriak. Luka yang hening itu tidak kasat mata. Luka yang hening itu hanya bisa dimaknai oleh tiap pribadi. Luka yang hening itu bisa merubah pandangan seseorang tentang hidup. Betapa dasyatnya luka yang hening itu.

Sebut saja, anak muda yang baru patah hati, dikhianati kekasih. Jangan anggap remeh, apabila dimaknai secara mendalam bisa saja menimbulkan luka hening yang akan selalu diingat seumur hidupnya. Setiap orang pasti akan, sedang atau pernah melewati masa muda bukan? Lain halnya dengan seseorang yang ditinggalkan untuk selamanya oleh figur yang sangat penting dalam hidupnya. Luka yang hening tergambar secara abstrak dalam kepedihan mendalam yang ia teriakkan dan tangisi. Tapi hanya dirinya lah yang paling tau, paling merasa, paling luka. Ada lagi korban bencana alam, secara kasat mata fisiknya terluka tapi luka heningnya lah yang membuat dia terguncang. Guncangan yang sangat hebat yang bisa membuat jiwanya terganggu. Luka hening yang dialami oleh massa tapi tetap berbeda-beda satu sama lain. Kesemua luka hening tersebut didapati dari sebuah pengalaman pahit.

Seperti apa rupa dari luka yang hening itu? Tidak ada yang benar-benar tahu. Ya, karena keheningannya lah ia menjadi misterius. Bila dicoba untuk didefinisikan, malah terjebak di dalamnya. Luka yang hening bisa membuat seseorang mengeluarkan air mata kepedihan. Luka yang hening bisa membuat seseorang hancur hati. Luka yang hening bisa membuat seseorang kehilangan makna hinggga kemudian mendapati makna.

Cobalah korek luka yang hening dari seseorang. Berat, sulit dan membutuhkan tingkat kepekaan yang tinggi kalau tidak ingin ditampar atau diludahi. Luka hening sendiri saja tidak mau dikorek orang kan? Begitu pula dengan orang lain. Lagipula untuk apa mengorek luka yang hening dari orang lain? Kalau dipikir-pikir, sebaiknya seseorang menikmati luka heningnya masing-masing. Korek saja luka heningmu sendiri hingga puas.

Tapi, akan selalu ada tapi. Biar saja bila ini disebut pembenaran, tapi tingkat keheningan luka seseorang yang berbeda-beda itulah yang membuat pengalaman hidup seseorang berbeda-beda. Apabila sesama manusia sudah saling tidak peduli dan apatis, hingga ia yang paling berpengalaman dengan luka tidak mau berbagi cerita tentang lukanya dan membiarkan lukanya dikorek, apa yang akan terjadi? Dunia bukan cuma dipenuhi luka, tapi juga borok. Borok karena tidak mau saling berbagi perih dan membuatnya lebih ringan.

Tapi, lagi-lagi tapi, siapalah yang berhak mengatur? Siapalah yang memiliki kapasitas untuk meminta orang lain berbagi luka dengan sesama? Jadi bila kita mendapati diri kita memperoleh kesempatan untuk mendengarkan luka yang hening dari orang lain, pakailah perasaan dan empati. Tidak mudah membiarkan orang lain masuk ke dalam cerita hidup paling pribadi dan berbagi luka yang hening. Berikan lah telinga dan hati untuk mendengar luka.

An Interview With The Tragic Triads

Question (Q) : Hi. Tell us about yourself.

Pain (P) : Hi. I think, I’m a warning system.

Guilt (G) : Whatever. I’m busy with conscience thingy.

[Subtitle: I’m not a bee, but I do sting. Sting, not stink]

Death (D) : Mortality.

Q : Okay... so what do you feel/think right now?

G : I know it’s wrong, but it feels right.

[Subtitle: Ergh. No, it’s wrong. ]

D : Soon or later: nothing.

P : Physically and/or mentally no good.

Q : Last, what can we learn from you?

D : Still, be optimistic!

P : Don’t run away. Face it!

G : Just listen to your heart.

[No sub]